Is it just me?

How is everybody else not absolutely terrified? Sometimes I go into autopilot and then after a bit too long I suddenly go ‘oh my days, this is my life. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s not a movie that I should be sitting back and watching pass me by, this is my life.’ And the way everybody else seems to just get on with everything, happily living, I have to wonder if they don’t go in to this autopilot like me or if they are just jolly good robots. You see the thing is, life is terrifying, and so it should be. If you do something stupid, you hurt somebody. If you don’t embrace an opportunity, you’ll regret it. And if you spend all your time watching Netflix in bed you’ll miss your own life. We need that fear to keep us going, to motivate us to get up and keep trying. We need to embrace our lives.

But nobody else seems to be as terrified as life by me, they just live in this little bliss bubble enjoying each moment, or repressing all feelings in a very English way. Maybe I’m additionally freaking out because I just said goodbye to a dear friend. It feels so final even though I should be seeing her in six months once I’m back from my travels. I guess goodbyes always feel a bit final because you never know what will happen, and you don’t know what your next plans to meet will be. The last time I said goodbye to a friend we ended up growing apart and now we don’t talk anymore. It’s all a bit unknown really, and that is bloody terrifying. Another thing that’s bloody terrifying is that I’m going half way across the world, to the antipodes (big word I learnt from my brother) to a place I’ve never been to live with some people I’ve never met. Am I crazy? I think I’m crazy. I also think I have a right to be freaking out, and that’s why there is a chance you saw me and my friend crying at St Pancras station today as we repeatedly hugged goodbye – I didn’t cry on public transport this time, just in all areas around it.

Still, even though I am crying in public places and totally bricking it, I’m still going. I am moving forward with my life, because you know what’s more terrifying than living? Letting life pass you by.


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